ARE YOU REALLY IMMUNED?
Having stopped blogging for such a long time, hopping back on the bandwagon seems really tedious for me. The difficulty can be attributed towards the fact that I find my language and grammar to be atrocious. The second part because I felt really closed off for the longest time. Previously, I was able to blog whole-heartedly. Pouring my mind, heart, soul onto a blank page on the screen. As I grew older, I realized that things aren't so simple anymore. People judge you. Whether you like it or not. They judge everything you put and offer online. I used to think that I've braved the worse type of judgment. Having literally stood (or sit) in front of a group, being judged for my lack of attendance (this story saved for another time) because of factors that I couldn't control, I thought that I'd be strong enough to face any type of judgement.
I was wrong. I still feel like shit when people pass negative comments, I get defensive, I get annoyed, outrage even...
Judgments can be passed so quickly, so negatively and so mindlessly. Yet it affects people it the deepest of ways. With enough judgments, the hurt that comes with it makes it difficult to reach the deepest part of me and really grow to understand myself even more. It's the cliché line of how you build a wall so impenetrable that people can't relate to you? blah blah blah... Yeah! It's juvenile when phrased that way. But if you'd just take a minute to really think about it. It doesn't seem all that trivial anymore.
Now don't get me wrong. That's not to say that ALL judgments should be condemn. I concede that not all judgments are completely unethical. If it's well thought out, logical but critical, I accept. I accept fully that we're not perfect. Such judgments can help us learn, grow and improve. Everyone has faults, flaws, however you name it. My issue is with judgments that does absolutely NOTHING to help the other party receiving it. Yes they can be negative. Yes they can be critical. But if they are simply accusations, lies and condemnation of the other party, there's no worth to them at all.
Judgments happen so fast. Everyday, we meet someone new, a stranger on the MRT, a friend, an acquaintance we pass judgments within the second we meet them. We judge their clothes, their looks, their material possessions, the way they walk... the list goes on. Something I've grown to learn is how others judge me the way I've judged them.
Do I measure up? What are their judgments like? These two questions are terrifying to me because I don't want to know the answer. I know I'm probably not strong to face those judgments yet. Some day though... I know I would be.
Recently, thoughts like this have been surfacing very often. I often think of ways I can better improve myself as a human being. As God's child. (Yes, apart from business ideas, I do think of such stuff... haha how my mind churns every thought I have is pretty amazing. No wonder I was intrigued with the idea of studying medicine) It's so difficult to control our emotions, our thoughts. There's no idiot-proof way of not passing mindless judgments. What we can do I guess, is to simply cease that thought/judgment everytime it occurs.
Understand the effect it has on people. Understand how it may potentially be you. To be honest, I think humans are innately selfish. Or at least, capitalism further exacerbated this nature of ours. We are constantly seeking for things to call our own. We forgot how to share, we do it for the sake of doing it. How many of you can truly say that you're selfless? If we're able to put ourselves as the victims receiving those judgments and comments, perhaps we would be better able to seize our tongues or thoughts when such judgments appears.
Pardon this post of mine. Note: It's not my style to be blogging like that but lately, I've just been doing quite a lot of soul-searching.
I guess I'm really not that immune to judgment. What I can do though, is to watch the way I behave, the way I conduct my thoughts and judgments about others. To be honest, if I was the victim of all my judgments and comments... I'd probably hate myself. That's the truth.
So my question to you is... Are you really immune?
Thoughtfully,
J
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