Time.
It's been quite awhile since I've done any form of blogging.
Happen to revisit this site and I realized how much I've neglected this space.
I am currently sitting at a Starbucks writing this post... Feeling some sort of inspiration to write something helpful. Some call these type of posts "self-help", others call it "self-discovery"...
I remember the time when I was going through a break-up. The breakup with K, the guy you see in my previous posts. I've never felt more hurt, more betrayed and crushed in my life.
Following the breakup, I literally rummaged through the internet for any and every self help article on breakups, or "how to get him back", or "how to mend a broken heart" type of posts. I think I've nearly read all the articles there is on advice with regards to breakups, healing, becoming yourself again, etc... How do i know? Well because when I google certain key words... Most of the links are highlighted purple to indicate that i've already clicked on them before... Most of the time, they're brief, short and simple. They make the breakup seem almost too easy to handle.
Reading these posts has given me some form of respite and relieve. But only for a very short while.
After reading those articles, you'd feel like you've gain some sort of clarity though you don't quite know what it is, you would feel like you've garnered enough confidence to take on the hurt and even the world... But what the articles don't tell you, is that the euphoric feeling you feel, would only last mere minutes before feeling like shit again when you realize that the breakup is real, the breakup happened and you're not ready... You're simply not ready.
This article/blog post is not going to be the gateway to solve all your problems for you. Neither do I profess to know everything about riding through these emotions that would suddenly overwhelm you. However, if this blog post is able to give you that respite that you're looking for, or even the good/comfortable feeling knowing that someone like yourself have been through the hurt, the heartache and the pain and is able to emerge from the other side... Then I'd consider this article, a job well done.
Very often, it is not the breakup that you're having problems grappling with. It's change. It's change that you're fearful of. Change in terms of the composition of people in your life. Change in terms of daily habits, change in terms of the life you envisaged...
Everyone deal with breakups differently. I dealt with it the way I know how and that is to wallow in it. What I didn't tell you was how far I wallowed and eventually sank into depression. This is not what I want for you and most certainly not what I would encourage now that I've been through it.
I have a friend whose currently going through her breakup and she dealt with it in a totally different way. She chose to bury herself in work, with people so much so that she would exhaust herself everyday which would spare her the need to have to deal with her emotions.
As you can see, two extreme ways, two extreme disasters.
Here are the steps I think would help to relieve whatever you're currently feeling while reading this post.
Step #1: Take a day or two to wallow.
You've just gone through a breakup, can anyone fault you for feeling down? You've invested so much in someone, you've spent precious time with someone in your journey called life. You've devoted yourself 100% to the relationship and what do you get? Nothing. It failed.
If that doesn't give you a kick in the gut, I don't know what will. So while the emotions are still high and raw, take some time off for yourself. Give yourself a break and sometime to process whatever it is that you're feeling. Take 1/2 days off from work, go on a mini retreat to someplace where you can be by yourself, or if you prefer, be in the company of close friends and family.
Let your emotions loose. You've been keeping it in for so long, putting on a brave front at work so that people wont know what's happened. It's time to let it out.
But take note that it is 1-2 days. Not 1-2 weeks or months... Wallowing in these feelings of helplessness, self-pity and sorrow isn't gonna do you good, trust me... I've been through it.
The longer you sit in these feelings, the more you feel small, hopeless and depressed.
I didn't see it clearly when i was hurting, but i see it clearly now. Those times I've spent wallowing in self pity and pain instead of actively taking steps to feel better seemed logical, but i just couldn't do it. Why? Not because it was difficult to do so... But because it forced me to accept the fact that the relationship was over. It forced me to step out of my comfort zone. It pushed me to face reality and face the world alone. Alone. Now isn't this a word we are all fearful of? But alone doesn't mean lonely. Alone doesn't mean being a loner. Alone shouldn't connote feelings of loneliness or introversion. Instead, alone should connote positive vibes of independence and confidence.
Hey, your parents didn't raise you up to be quitter of life. They raised a beautiful and confident young lady/gentleman. One whom they believe is ready to take on the world. You don't need to be a pair in order to do that!
Step #2: Stop Talking
So this is probably the hardest step of them all... To cease all communication. This is also a common advice that runs through most of the articles I've read. Why? Well, because it's true. Communication only keeps the connection alive. Right now, what you need is for the connection to simmer down and eventually be weak enough to break.
Connection means attachment is still prominent and this is not helpful for someone healing from a breakup. It keeps the mind and heart still attached to another person and this is most certainly not helpful. I know what you're thinking... How can i do it? How can i/he/her be so heartless to just cut all connections altogether? We've spent ___ months/years together!!! Yes yes, I know i know. I hear you too. It's hard. I never said it was going to be easy. In fact, I know that most of us even after reading this advice while knowing that it is the right thing to do, would go back to communicating with the other person anyway.
If so, why bother reading? Well, you read because you get reminded of the right thing to do. You read because with multiple reiterations, it sticks. It shows. I know even after this, you'd try to cut down the communication to once a week, twice a week. Heck, you'd even negotiate with yourself to say, you'd only talk "as friends"... How do i know? Because I've been through the whole damn thing. It's so heartbreaking to talk to them knowing that it's over and every second of talking to them, it seems as though the other party doesn't care. It's like the whole relationship didn't exist.
What you need to know is that while it did exist, it's over. If you're at the receiving end of it, which you probably are if you're reading this, you need to understand that it'll be easier for them to accept it and henceforth move on from it.
That's why, do it for yourself. Cut all communications. When you stop talking, you stop interacting, you stop the growing attachment. Again, as humans, you'd do it, you'd stop talking. BUT. and here's a big fat BUT.... do not go stalking their whatsapp time stamp or telegram time stamp.
Yeah... I know you. I know that's what you're about to do. and i'm telling you... DON'T. It would kill you wondering who he/she is talking to, what he/she is up to. And for that miraculous moment you see him online when you are online too, there would be a big urge to want to talk to him/her...
Listen to me, don't stalk, don't talk. Delete. Bite the gun, delete his number. Even if you memorize his number, don't reinstate it. If there really is unresolved matters, give it time until you're stable enough to talk to him rationally.
Step #3: De-clutter
After a good 2 weeks of getting back into your daily routine, it's time for a change in environment and a change in living quarters. What do I mean? It's time to purge and declutter. Constant reminders of tokens, memorabilia, gifts would only reopen the wounds every time its healed a bit. The adage: out of sight, out of mind, really works.
Start with the small stuff... I know it hurts. I remember when I was purging my bedroom, my face looked like it got dunked in water/tears. Every item I threw down the gutter stun my eyes like onions, except it's not a sour-y type of pain, it's heartache. Pure heartache. It's like someone ripped out a part of your heart and stomped on it till it shattered into a million pieces.
But trust me, once those items are down the gutter, you'll feel heartbroken no doubt, but in the midst of all the miry heartache, you'll feel this slight feel of relieve... Of freedom.
The bigger items may be harder to purge and harder to get rid off. Take for example, my ex boyfriend had gotten me a bicycle for one of the occasions. I found that so difficult to get rid of mainly because of the memories that came with it. The miles we cycled with it, the memories that were built on it. It's not easy. But being resourceful, I decided to sell it on the used market. Surprisingly, I got a really good deal from it too. Not only am I able to rid myself of it, I was able to have spare cash to do a badly needed makeover. All i'm saying is that it takes time to get rid of the bigger ones, no worries if you can't do it all within a day. But take active steps to achieve a clutter free life... Take steps to heal.
Step #4: Positive Vibes
Take this time to surround yourself with friends and family who love you. Who are your constants. In a world where your "ex-supportive pillar" has disappeared, its no shame to feel lost, confused and even dazed.
Take this time to do things with your friends and family that you've so badly neglected during your relationship. Don't we all indulge ourselves a little too much when we are in a relationship? It's almost as if nothing and no one else mattered.
But I hope that through this relationship, you see that no one is indispensable and that family and close friends are here to stay. They should be one of your supportive pillars. One that you take active steps to stay close too even in a relationship in future.
These are the people who are able to accept you for who you are without qualms. If you take off your rose tinted glasses and see the truth for what it is, the relationship ended because of differences. Whatever they maybe. These are the differences that are big enough that ultimately ended a relationship. Reality is that "happily ever after" takes effort, it takes compromise. And if there are too many differences, too large a difference, your fairy tale ending may not be so ideal.
Likewise, as much as you don't want to admit this now, the relationship ended because either one or both of you are unable to accept each other for what you both are. Now don't tell me that you did, or he did or you both did. If you guys did, there's no difference that would tear you both apart. So until you can recognize this fact, you'll be stuck in the denial phase. Your healing would not start.
Acceptance is unconditional. Therefore, it is not phrased this way: "if you do this ______, or if you behave this way _____, then i will accept this." It should be phrased this way: "I know you and i know you are like this ______, I still love you anyway..."
It's not easy to find someone like that. But after K, I did. I found someone who said those words. Or a variation of that. Acceptance is not easy. But it comes from love and it comes from understanding.
So if you're able to face it and accept that the relationship you had, however good it was, however perfect you think it is, start thinking of why it ended. Start realizing that all those good times you replayed are over exaggerated. What about the fights? What about the nights you spent crying? What about all the emotionally tolling play on your feelings? What about those that you so happily push away because you choose to believe your relationship was "perfect"!
There are many types of love in this world. A mother's love for her child, a father's love for his child, sibling love, grandparents' love, friendship, relationship... The lost of one, out of the myriad of love that you are receiving, isn't gonna kill you. Even though it may very well feel like it is.
I once heard someone say this to me "A coin, when held very close to your eyes, may seem like the only thing that you can see because it blocks your view. However, pull your hand back and you get to see so much more than just a coin. So much more than just the coin that once made up your vision".
Take this time to do the things you hadn't be able to do when you were consumed in your relationship. I'm pretty sure your friends and family took a backseat then. It's time to bring them to the front. It's time to show them your appreciation and respect for them because acceptance take someone with a big heart.
Step #5: Engage in new activities
It's finally the last step and you need to start engaging in new activities. It's time to meet new people, do new things. I know you definitely don't feel up for it. I didn't either when i received this as an advice from friends and family. But trust me, it would do you so much good.
Opening yourself up to new experiences gives you a breath of fresh air. It makes you feel alive. It injects in you adrenaline and all emotions that makes you human.
For all you know, you might just meet someone new. That was what happened to me. I know that this is probably the thing you want to hear the least but meeting new people doesn't necessarily mean to start a new relationship altogether. It is good for networking, good for building new friendships... These are all healthy interactions with other people.
I hope that these advices would help you to get through this trying period. I have been there and I have emerged stronger, more mature and most definitely more self-assured. These are qualities that would only serve to help you in your next relationship.
Likewise, after this relationship, I hope that you would take the time to reflect, really understand what went wrong, what were the differences that caused the inability to accept each other or the other party. Know what are the red flags to watch out for in the next relationship.
Every failed relationship is only a paving stone for the successful one. You learn, you grow and you understand yourself better and what you want of the other party.
But these self-reflection should be saved for another post.
Have a good day my darlings... Watch out for your health this period and eat well.
Remember, in this journey called life, you are your one and only constant. You will always be there for yourself. So you deserve the best that life can offer.
XOXO,
Jocelyn.
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